Thoughts That Speak       by Rich Kahan

I have always thought of myself as a smart guy. Someone who can see things others can’t, and one who recognizes how to have a good time. But now at the age of nineteen, I look around myself, and see everybody having the time of their lives, while I remain confused and unhappy, trying to solve the problem.

I don’t enjoy life like I used to. It’s now harder to find people I enjoy and who enjoy me. Where did I go off track? When did I forget how to have fun? It’s almost as if I forgot how to be myself, or simply lost the motivation to be. Now I wonder if I really was an individual before. Maybe I just woke up. Although it sure feels like I’ve fallen asleep.

Are you having trouble following me? Let me explain better. Have you ever felt anxious? You become afraid to say what you’re thinking, and you scan your thoughts before you say them. This happens to almost every teenager, some more than others. Now, when you make this behavior a habit, are you really being yourself? Maybe because this anxiety is part of you, the timid attitude it creates is who you truly are. I think not. I hope not.

This anxiety showed up randomly in my bones, and I have ceased to be myself on a consistent basis ever since. I can feel the guy I used to be trying to come out at times, but the anxiety keeps him in check. I’m now nothing more than another face in the crowd. Another echoed laugh of a joke. The guy at the party wearing a banana republic shirt with blue jeans, trying to look social with the other thirty college sophomores wearing the same thing. And yet, they all seem to be enjoying themselves dancing, socializing, and expecting this will be the night they bring home the girl of their dreams. Are they really that happy, or is this an act? Am I the only one who feels this way?

I’m not an old wise man with a long white beard, but I can tell you that teenage life isn’t easy. Life isn’t easy, and it won’t be any easier ten, twenty, or even thirty years from now. You simply have to fight your battles as you go. As for my battle, I think about it constantly, and all of my thoughts bring me to the same conclusion: Hope and prey that one day she finds me, and loves me for whatever it is that I truly am.
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