My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.   --Oprah
She: Don't you know what good, clean fun is?
       He: No. What good is it?
Teen being interviewed for a summer job said he never finished high school
because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
A DIFFERENT APPLICANT for the job was asked: "Do you lie, cheat, steal, or
come in late?"
The kid said, "No, but I can learn."
Q: How do you get an Arkansas ball star to stop biting his nails?
     A: Make him wear shoes.            --submitted by BuzzVentura
Telephone answering machine messages:
¤Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and
if I don't call back, it's you.
¤Hi! Jill's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly
and I'll stick your message to myself with a magnet.
¤This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
Honest criticism is hard to take, especially when it comes from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.    - Franklin P. Jones
Alabama state motto: "At least we're not Mississippi"    --submitted by DrRick
My cousin lives in a gated community - San Quentin
Note intercepted in study hall:
My love, you take my breath away.
But what have you stepped in to smell this way?
Bulletin from Mount Palomar: "Gaseous clouds Have been detected Around Uranus." 
And remember: Common sense is not so common. - --Voltaire  
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