HUMOR ARCHIVES -from past issues of About Teens online magazine
CRIB SHEET-- quiz answers not to use(?)  click here
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama
burned down? Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss, too. Both books--poof!--up
in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
DEAN'S STUDENT EVALUATION GUIDELINES...click here
"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's
sad that I never knew my real ladder." --Craig Charles on clean-laffs
A Teen Girl's Prayer --------- Dear Lord: So far today, I am
doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy,
nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or
eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my parents' credit card. However,
I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot
more help after that. Amen.   --jokeseveryday.com
Homework Guidelines (joke and no joke)  click here
Q: What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Come Back?
      A: A Stick.              --submitted by WillyMB.
THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME -- click here
"I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home." --Lenny Clarke in themouth.com
Two rules for life:
      1. Don't tell people everything you know.
      2.
OREO PERSONALITY TEST  click here
BUMPER SNICKER:  I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that
For more Bumper Stickers, click here
A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll
have a gin.........................and tonic."
The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear answers, "I don't know. My father had them, too!"  --clean-laffs
Beware the roommate with a sense of humor. click here
How To Ruin a Date  click here
A certain high school jock goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like
some Polish Sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says "Are you Polish?"
The jock says "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you
ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you
ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I
was Mexican?"
The clerk says "Well, no."
The jock says "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask
for Polish sausage?"
The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."  --submitted by reumer
                         submit a joke / back to top
Classic Football Joke  click here
A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy
playing on the sidewalk. The boy had his little red wagon. He had hung small
ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was
wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog
could pull the wagon.
The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy
what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was
tied to the wagon by his testicles.
The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire
company, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you
would go faster."
"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren."  --from Dr. E Reum
The high school debutante's diet  click here
The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature. Receiving no response at the front door, he went around to the back door and knocked.  A high pitched voice from inside said, "Come in." Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by a large ferocious German shepherd. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off your dog before he eats me alive." That same high pitched voice came from the next room saying, "Come in." Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the next room. It was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After being terrified by the huge dog, the mail carrier was furious  and said to the parrot, "Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'come in' ?" Without hesitation the parrot said, "Sic him!"   --submitted by Earl Reum
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He goes up to the bar and
says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."  submitted by Willard the B.
"Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in
    which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."   --Fran Lebowitz
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of
plastic wrap.  The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75.  He
says to the teen driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
                                submit a joke / back to top
Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done. --Bill Clinton
Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?
Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to
      use more words than necessary.
                                    submit a joke / back to top
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
         --Great food, no atmosphere.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I drive by again?  --coolsig.com
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was
            an only child . . . eventually."     -- Steven Wright
FUN AT THE DRIVE-THRU (Prank Night?)  click here.
                      submit a joke / back to top
WANT TO CALL SOMEONE STUPID? click here   -submitted by Will
AUTO HUMOR -to find out what the car you drive says about
        you, click here.
                          
REDNECK TEEN'S RULES OF ETIQUETTE....click here

A teen is riding the subway home from work and there is a gorgeous blond girl
sitting across the aisle from him. He keeps checking her out, but lacks the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
"Oh my God, I am sooo sorry," the girl says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the girl invites him to go with her to a movie. She pays for everything, including a taxi cab ride for the two of them to her house. She kisses him goodnight at her door and asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you
meet?"
"No, she replies........."You just happened to catch my eye." submitted by Tex Lawson
A scientist finally succeeded in cloning himself, but all his clone
would do was sit around and spew out cuss words. After a week of
this, the scientist finally got fed up and pushed his clone out of the
10th-story office window.
A short time later there was a knock on his office door. The scientist
opened the door to find a policeman who said, "I'm going to have to
arrest you for making an obscene clone fall." --from Steven Israel's JokesEveryDay.com
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
A day without sunshine is like . . . night.
                      submit a joke / back to top
"IT'S THE LAW,"  click here
What's the pick up line used most often by teen boys in Arkansas?
      Answer:  Nice tooth!
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and
the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER...click here
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine and he liked
her a lot. One day he met a new girl. Her name was Clearly and she was
absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite entranced with her and after a while it was obvious
that she was interested in him too. But he was a loyal guy and he
wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with
Lorraine. He decided he had to break up with her first, then go out with
the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to
do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank and Lorraine slipped,
fell into the river, and drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the
river and then ran off smiling and singing............
"I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone"  --submittied by Dr. Earl
When the officer says "Gee son...your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with "Gee officer your eyes look glazed. Have
you been eating doughnuts?"
A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in
a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey
lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the
parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now -- so furious that she stormed into the
store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird
wouldn't say it again.
The next day, when the lady walked past the store,
the parrot said to her, "Hey lady."
She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said
with a hoarse voice, "Yes?"
The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky
manner, said, "You know."
Funny gaffes and mistrakes . . . click here
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
   -A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
   -Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
   -Right where you left him.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
    -Eileen
                           submit a joke / back to top
Be a do-it-now person . . . starting tomorrow.
It takes about ten years to get used to being a teenager.
                                                             
A city teen moves to the country and joins the 4-H Club. For his first project,
he selects raising chickens. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me
100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the teen comes back to the co-op and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the teen returns. This time he says, "Give me 500
baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be
doing well!"
"Naw," said the teen with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or
too far apart!"
A teenager wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much
will you charge?"
The kid said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told him
that the paint and ladders he might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does that boy realize that the porch goes all the way around
the house?" The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the
porch."
A short time later, the teen came to the door to collect his money.
"You're finished already?" asked the man. "Yes," the teen answered, "and I
had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the
way," the teen added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
                                    submit a joke / back to top
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing
worse can happen to you the rest of the day. 
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.  --submitted by Jason W.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
CLASSWORK (student mispelings and bloopers) from Richard Lederer, St Paul's School
    :A myth is a female moth.
    :Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
    :Ben Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
    :Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
    :Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out. --submitted by Toni W.
"There are two kinds of people, those who finish what
they start and so on..."    --Robert Byrne
I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. --Greg Norman
The trouble with school is - it's so daily.
                                                                                                
                                 submit a joke / back to top
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Be consistent--but don't do it all the time. 
Teenager's Law #1:  Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Teenager's Motto #1: Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon.
Have you heard about the guy who just graduated from high school and he's never been there. . . He graduated magna cum seldom.
Every ten seconds there is an unwed teen somewhere giving birth to a child. She must be found  and stopped.
How come you never hear about gruntled teens? And who's been diss-ing them anyway?
DISS 'EM WITH DESE:
    I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
    I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.
What is the thinnest book in the world? . . . "What Teenage Boys Know About Teenage Girls"
                              submit a joke / back to top
How come we can never just rant or just rave? Why do we always have to do both?
      It makes me sick and tired.
If our nose runs and our feet smell, are we built upside down?
Dad to teenage son: "Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else."
HOW TO TURN DOWN AN INVITATION: click here.
Student's crib sheet for International Conversion Units, click here.
The English teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that
happened during the past week.  Jock Dimbulb got up and read his essay. He
began, "My dad fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said Jock. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along
with a recipe.
A TEEN'S PRAYER click here.
                            submit a joke / back to top
"My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate.  I said, 'Just wait.'"  - Judy Tenuta

 For More Humor, click here / back to Humor main page / submit a joke / back to top

main / photos / jokes / stories / health / books / opinion / submissions / links / awards / e-mail to editor