HUMOR ARCHIVES #2
Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
      A. Nacho cheese.   --submitted by WillyB.
"I drank a whole bottle of bug repellent by mistake the other day....
      Now my fly doesn't work"
Funny Football Story -- click here
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have
any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck
returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and
the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks
"Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in
here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time
that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and
ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left,
and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The
clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"    --submitted by t-wag
NOTABLE QUOTABLES -- Timeless statements to marvel at  click here
Your girlfriend is ugly when...
> >  She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
> >  Even mosquitos stay away from her.
> >  She startles the animals at the zoo.
> >  On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
> >  She makes onions cry.
> >  Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
> >  When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And
there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother
Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.  --submitted by bikdrake
The Mental Health Hotline -- automation carried to extreme...click here
A young man was talking to a girl that he had just met, and asked her name.
"I don't want to tell you," she said, "I'm named after both of my parents, and
it's kind of embarrassing."
"Well, what could be so bad about that?" the young man asked.
"My mother's name is Eliza, and my father's name is Ferdinand." the girl
answered.
"Those are nice names" the guy replied.
"It would be," she said, "if they wouldn't have named me FerdEliza!"
Double-edged newspaper headlines . . . click here
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre
Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer
was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews
personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and
announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop
was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with
his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement
for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had
gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only
moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell"    --Don Sherwood
Don't live in the past or for the future. By living your life one day
at a time, you live all the days of your life... unless your life sucks,
then live in the past.      --submitted by Dr. Reum
Things to do if you're weird  click here
An Golden Retriever went to a telegram office, took out a blank form
and wrote: "Woof, woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof."
The telegraph clerk looked at the paper and politely told the dog: "There
are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "what sense would that make!"      --clean-laffs
Patient:  "Doctor, you've got to help me, some mornings I
wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think
I'm Mickey Mouse."
     Doctor: "How long have you been having these Disney spells?"
Doctor: "Nurse, how is that teenager doing, the one who swalled ten quarters?"
     Nurse:  "No change yet."
BIRTHDAY CARD: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
If you need to be somewhere by 9, then you get a potato clock. (Say it slowly and out loud)
The other day a dog peed on me. A bad sign.      --H.L. Mencken
That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius. I told a friend my plan to
attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."  --from T-wag
Think you're so smart?  click here
THINGS YOUR MOTHER WOULDN'T SAY:
"Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket--it's quite warm out."
"Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it's good for another week."
"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."
"Yeah, I used to skip school, too."
"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery."
"Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?" --the-mouth.com
"Of all the lessons in life that I've learned the hard way, the ones
involving frontal nudity and hot bacon grease seem to be the most enduring." - Randy B
How To Ruin a Date  click here
"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
        covering me up."     --Rodney Dangerfield
Things to do at Wal-Mart    click here
A burglar broke into an empty house in the middle of the night. He had
taken just a few steps when he heard a voice boom out in the darkness, saying,
"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" He stopped dead in his tracks, waited a few
minutes, when he heard nothing else he began tiptoeing forward only to hear
"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" again. He froze and began looking frantically
around to see who had said that. Finally, over in a dark corner he spotted a bird
cage and in the bird cage was a parrot. He said to the parrot, "Did you say
'Jesus is watching you' just now?" The parrot said, "Yes, I did." The burglar
said, "What is your name?" The parrot answered, "Clarence" The burglar said,
"That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."   --Bobby Ruff on laughalot
It's Football Season Again. The following list contains
something to offend just about everyone,
> What do you get when you put 12 Arkansas cheerleaders
in one room?
   A full set of teeth.
>How do you get a Michigan State graduate off your porch?
   Pay him for the pizza.
>Why do the Alabama band members wear bibs?
   To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
>Why is Nebraska replacing their natural grass with Astroturf?
   To discourage the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
>Why do they no longer serve ice at Florida football games?
   The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
>Why is the Colorado football team like a possum?
   Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
>What are the longest three years of a Michigan football
player's life?
   His freshman year.
>How many Ohio State freshmen does it take to change a light
bulb?
   None.....That's a sophomore course at OSU. --submitted by Dr. Earl Reum
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE?  click here
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in
Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty
co-ed. Attempting to start up a conversation, he said, "Where does
you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or
southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted,
"WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
When the freshman went home with an upper class acquaintance, he noticed his
friend put his homework in a file folder labeled RESIDUE. When he asked the reason
for that choice of file heading, the upperclassman replied, "I do what I can today,
and the res I do tomorrow."
"Mom always claims to feel bad when a bird slams head-first into
our living room window.  If she really felt bad, though, she'd move
the bird feeder outside." -- Rich Johnson,  themouth.com
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but once the casts
     come off, man, you better watch your back."
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when
they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.  The three male dogs
fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first,
but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are
speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping
for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her
obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells
them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese"
together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love
liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden retriever
and said "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and
says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is
the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the
Golden Retriever and the Lab and says. "Liver alone. Cheese mine." --Dr. Earl Reum 
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COOKING TERMS . . . click here
PROVERBS REWRITTEN . . click here
Questions & Answers . . .
Q: What does a math teacher do when he's constipated?
A: He works it out with a pencil. ha ha --submitted by Livin4God14

Q: What does a harelip dog say?
A: Mark, Mark.    --submitted by Cody Wilkins

Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!

Q: how do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it!
              back to top / submit a joke
DEEP THOUGHTS BY TEENS -- click here
Things to BEWARE OF when you go to pick up your date . . click here
DAFFYNITIONS--enlarge your vocabulary, impress your teachers--click here
WHAT IS A TEENAGER? click here
RECIPE FOR ELEPHANT STEW:
1 Elephant, Medium Size
2 Rabbits (Optional)
Salt & Pepper to taste
Brown Gravy
Cut elephant into small bite-sized pieces.
This should take about two months. Add enough
brown gravy to cover. Cook over a hot fire for
about four weeks. This will serve 3800 people.
If more are expected, two rabbits may be added,
but do this only if necessary as some people
do not like to find a hare in their stew.     --clean-laffs
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly
to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I
suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.
For years, he refused. told me I was crazy, but last week,
he finally went. Sure enough, the doctor discovered his
left leg was a quarter inch shorter than his right. A
quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and
both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no
longer leans. "So," I said, "You didn't believe me when
I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected." --clean-laffs
Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers
and his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships.
Most agree that Dick is a fine ship builder, but he's
not the rigger Mort is.

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