DEEP THOUGHTS BY TEENS
From a newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I believe you should live each day as if it is your
last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry
because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the
last day of their life? --Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the
grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big
bag of money.-Age 13

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out
of Halloween.-Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a
singer as some people think he should be. Then, I
remember it's because he sucks.-Age 15

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I
think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and
Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside
me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over
one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the
human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the
country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I
show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle
that we have found many more than four basic elements
and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of
kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder.
We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.-Age 15

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint
dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water
lake that is the only source of water for some tiny
cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the
population gets more desperate, and sometimes there
are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died.-Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that
I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway
because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog
people sure don't have a sense of humor.-Age 14

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank
my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an
unlisted number.-Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a
man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's
not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and
visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene
and quiet it would be until the looting started.-Age 15

                               --from Kelly L. Evans
                          back to Humor / submit a joke

main / photos / jokes / stories / health / books / opinion / submissions / links / awards / e-mail to editor