DEFINITIONS OF COOKING TERMS
tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly
crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated
and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste
exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a
dish the dog won't eat the rest of.
porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since
children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words "Putrid", "hORRId" and "sluDGE".
preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is
put in, as well as when it is removed.
oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces
of meat and poultry.
microwave oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle
of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within
the cooking compartment.
calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
the average teenaged girl prior to taking a second helping of a
particular food.
arab coffee: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny
cups at gunpoint.
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