"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

* If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
transferred to the mother ship.

* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice
will tell you which number to press.

* If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press, no one will answer.

* If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

* If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the
pound key until a representative comes on the line.

* If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and
your mother's maiden name.

* If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

* If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after
the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for
the beep.

* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

* If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are
too busy to talk to you."

* If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.
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